Guilty & Money

 I wish I can find the sound effect with a person saying the word "awkward" just like how it sounds in my head, but I just couldn't think of where I saw that word being said.

Summer is almost over, that means school's back sooner than I could believe. That awkward situation with a teacher that you like very much comes back as well, not a buy one get one free thing that I like. I thought I could avoid facing it, because I would no longer need to face the teacher, but I have to.

Have you ever felt guilty( I mean a weird feeling that feels like it's stumpling on your heart, not like you done something that violets the law of right and wrong) for something that you didn't feel like you've done wrong. This is what I've been trying to avoid in the last couple weeks of last semster. There was a teacher(one of my favorite in the school), came up to me and offer me an AP class. Although I would seriously love to join the class, I haven't meet the requirement needed in order to take the AP class. I talked to the teacher about it, and he offered me summer school independent study. There's that conflict in my heart fighting.

My first thought was the conflict between the preparation of the SAT and the study of that class. I mean, they both are pretty darn important for high school seniors, right? But face it, I seriously, don't neccesary need the course, it's just that I like the teacher very much, and I wish that he could keep on teaching me, and he offered me the option. The next thought is pretty bad, I suppose, like I said before, I want to save every single cent that I could for my college career. Tuition for independent study frightens me. I have my own concern with money. And my rule for myself is, ONLY spend money is something is NEEDED. That rule had gone with me so far since I know the need to save money. My mind started to think in this way, " Hey, Tuition, I'm not a big fan of you, but I'm a pretty big fan of the teacher, so would you step aside and let me get through?" The real society here is... If you want something, you pay for it, simple as that.

I really, seriously, DID NOT want to reject the offer, but it's just something in my heart tells me stop in front of the tuition line. I went on and ask for alternative ways, mainly instead of having to pay. There was the alternative way to ask for a recommandation to skip ahead. But, I'm not an expert in that class, the teacher is afraid that it would be a suffering if I don't even understand the basics and had to move on to the advance. He is very concerned as of whether or not I can do well in the class with the little information I learned in other prep classes. I know he did that with a warm heart, but I hate that I had to reject his offer. There is just something in my heart that doesn't let me feel like I should be doing the summer study.

I thought it would all be gone when summer is over. But things never just disappeared, there is nothing that I can hide to avoid the awkward conversation. I see disappiontment in the teacher's eyes, which I felt really bad. There's just something on my heart that's like stumping really hard. I feel really bad to reject him, and to disappoint him.

I wish I don't have to be so concerned of money spending. But, that is just the way I am from what I have been through. This money thing just feel so realistic, and so cruel in this society. I feel so bad that I am between the doors of guilty and money, it just doesn't feel right.

To sum up today, I don't really have a back moral for this story. I just wanted to share my story, and be honest for my decision, and BE LOUD, and BE HEARD so that I don't have to push this feeling deep down in my heart, because one day, it will still come back, and I would be feeling even emotional for it than if I share it today.

Thanks for reading, and let my VOICE BE HEARD.

For song of the day, this one is from the Hannah Montana moive the song called Good Life. Nothing pretty closely relate to what I've shared today. I just wished that someday, even just one day, I could live a good life without concern of money like the lyrics showed. (still reality is not going to give me that)

As always, leave a comment about anything, either questions about the story, suggestions about the story, or tell me about a similar experience of you between guilty and money. Or, maybe your thoughts about the song! :)
BE LOUD SO YOU WILL BE HEARD!!! :)